Friday, July 20, 2007

Bathroom Time

I am interested to know if I'm the only person in the world who enjoys using the restroom.

The cool, dank interior of the bathroom here at my office building fascinates me. Not only do we have the usual row of stalls along one wall, and sinks opposite, we also have a separate door inside that leads to a shower and lockers. It always smells very nice, thanks to the intermittent squelch of the automatic air freshener, and it is always very clean.

First of all... this is probably the nicest bathroom I've ever come across in my career as a desk jockey. Most places I have worked had loos that smelled of old crap, of piss, and despair. This one has a lovely black marble sink counter, and the water is automatic, and always at the perfect, warm temperature. The toilet flushes without my having to do some karate kick to a handle, in fact, the toilets are automatic.

The bathrooms I have chanced to encounter, in my years since moving to Utah, have been hovels. The one in Provo always smelled of bowels, even though I was the first one there in the morning. I was always slightly worried for my personal safety when I stepped inside, because heaven knows what kind of sordid affair had occurred before my entering therein. Were I to rank it, it was a D, ranking above such loos as one will find in public parks, or truck stops in the middle of nowhere.

The one in West Valley City was very nice, taking second-place to the one here in Sandy. I was fortunate to be located on the top, executive floor, and I referred the the restroom, affectionately, as My Office. The stalls were dark, atmospheric, the floor was always rather clean. It was so nice, I took to eating my lunches in there, contemplating the meaning of the universe. And, my favorite part was that the tampon machine was busted, so I got those for free. All in all, it ranked a solid B in terms of cleanliness and overall atmosphere.

The one at the office out near the airport was putrid. All the T.P. dispensers had been broken, and one had to navigate around the discarded toilet tissue and sanitary napkin wrappers on the floor. It smelled of urine, and there was some distinct substance smeared on the tile walls, which I was loath to give more than a transitory glance. I could not avoid that restroom, however, because I was pregnant, and had to slash more often than not. It was distressing in the lack of hand soap, and paper towels. I had to avoid any surface for fear of hepatitis. The only redeeming factor was the interesting, racist, and vulgar graffiti I found on the walls. I took a picture of some, the sage-like advise can apply to anyone in any social class or circumstance, and will remember it always: Remember To Flush The Toilet! This restroom ranks a solid F.

After that, we move on to the office in Murray. The building was large, multi-floored, and the bathrooms were a sad attempt at comfort. The stalls were too narrow, the floor a disgrace, and the room itself frigid. I would like to meet whomever designed that monstrosity and give him a good slap with a dead trout. It's bad enough to be a female, having to pee, but when lowering one's pants in desperation, to be struck with the cold air on one's rear-end is positively painful. Bathroom gets a C, because at least there was enough soap and paper towels.

After that, I moved on to the office in Draper. The building was lovely, multi-colored, and well cared-for. The bathrooms were an entirely different matter. Same old stall wall, same old sink wall, same old bathroom style, and same old hospital sterility. The air freshener was this odd mix of mint and apple, and it was quite nauseating, but at least it worked. The one thing I did enjoy about this bathroom, as opposed to any other of which I have come into contact, was the fact that there was an extra stall on the far wall, with nothing beside it. The stall was made in such a way that it was long rather than wide, and there was no way for anyone who was washing up, or adjusting their makeup, to see through the cracks. They also had a lotion dispenser, which was handy, as their soap tended to dry out one's skin. The major drawback was that the tampon machine was never stocked, and never worked. Very bad for someone, such as myself, who was experiencing quite a liberal soaking so far as menstrual cycles go. B-.

Last, but certainly not least, is the office in Sandy. Certainly, the reason why this one is better is because this is a better job than the others I have had in the past. That it's located in a tower further adds to the loveliness of the interior. But the bathroom, the bathroom is built for comfort. Nice little shelves above the T.P. to set my Zune or novel, wide, comfortable stall width, plenty of T.P. along with an extra roll wrapped in paper "just in case" and two hooks on the back of the door for one's jacket, and purse. The soap dispensers whips the soap into lovely foam as you dispense it, to aid in the cleaning process. There is a lotion dispenser here too, with much nicer lotion than the one at the other office. The only drawback that I can see is that the bathroom was not designed for one to tarry; just as a little stop along the way as you run through your corporate rat race career. No, when I spend too long cozying up to the toilet seat, reading my lovely book, and listening to some New Order on my Zune, the lights shut off. And so I have to jump up, pants around my ankles, open the door, and wave emphatically in the hopes that the motion sensor will see me. Throwing the spare roll of T.P. just does not work like I thought it would.

--HA Green


Anonymous said...

You may think your crazy talking about wash rooms, but hey i understand this blog somewhat, i think the most nasty washroom i have ever been to is in a tacobell.... :-/ picture it... you can almost taste it!